Atlas Shrugged TL;DR

By Commuturk


Approved by the International Commission for Random Affairs


Author's Note:
Dear reader, while this story is absolutely true I make no apologies, for in the imagination of the heart and at the heart of imagination everything is possible and anything could be. It has been said that the world was created in six days and on the seventh day God rested having created all manner of beast and then man. But one animal was not there in the beginning. It was fashioned by the Creator many years later, and this is a story of how it came to be.

Now this world has one god, who goes unnamed, but we can call Him Allah or the Invisible Hand of the Free Market. You do your worship to Him by having selfish means, if you do that it works out for the best of everyone. If you think of anyone else, it ends up worse for everyone. Basically no one is capable of observing this in the world, so we don't know what would happen if you meant the best for everyone and grudgingly acted selfishly for that end. When the protagonists help someone, they have to go on for a paragraph-long speech about how they were in reality helping themselves and didn't give a shit about the other guy or they will incur the wrath of Allah-IHFM.

AIHFM first creates mankind, then he creates the industrialist so that they can get shit done. Among men, let's call them betas, everyone shirks from responsibility, avoids doing anything, they're lazy and they make bad decisions and they always think of others and their shittiness is reflected in their physical appearance. Some people however have the industrialist gene. Usually children of rich/aristocrats have this gene, but it may come up as a mutation from normal parents too, and if you have it you're always cool and edgy and you win.

Ayn Rand is born into a wealthy industrialists family. She grows up a fangirl of her ancestor who murdered a senator to build his railroad, and this shows that she has the money gene. She's a beautiful girl in this fantasy world but no one looks at her because she's not into girly things, going to ballroom dances, talking to intellectuals, whatever. Unfortunately, because Ayn Rand has a vagina her older brother Jim who has no redeeming qualities at all inherits the railroad and he runs it very shittily even though it's actually her doing all the work.

Our novel starts with Jim building a railroad to Communist Mexico. Ayn Rand isn't happy because this is forbidden by her religion and she wants to build a railroad to South Park, Colorado instead. Jim tries to assure her, that despite this being build to aid starving people - because by turning communist Mexico has lost the favour of AIHFM - it is actually an investment, for her ex-bf is building a mine there. Ayn Rand's ex, Frisco Antonov, was the prodigy child of migrant slav industrialists in addition to being incredibly handsome, appears to have become a playboy fucking around everywhere after taking Rand's virginity. Ayn Rand on the other hand hasn't been laid in the last decade, her frigidity of course explaining her obsession with railroads. Then communist mexicans seize the mine and the rail because that's how they roll and Ayn Rand goes around saying "I told you so", but no one learns from this and they keep insulting AIHFM.

Then Jim goes and has the competing railroad to Colorado put out of business, and gets government bailout. He tells Ayn Rand, "bitch you wanted to make money, here's money", but she's not happy and not only because she still isn't getting laid, but also because getting government money angers AIHFM. She then starts building a new railroad to Colorado because there are some oil rigs and shit there needing transport. But, unfortunately they can't get steel because nothing gets produced in time and everything is falling apart. Ayn Rand says she's getting rail from Hank Rearden (wait for it). Jim's steel contractor is incompetent, while Rearden has invented a magic metal that will make everything better and she'll get Rearden's metal (still, wait).

Government planners aren't happy about this, as we are slowly being let in that government, is in fact, a beta plot against the glorious industrialist. They say Rearden metal is unsafe, and the press of betas and scientists keep saying the same, because it's a conspiracy.

They build the rail anyway, say it's safe because they told them it's safe. Since they are favored by AIHFM, it really is safe and better. Jim marries a shop girl who has a crush on him because she thinks Jim built the rail. Ayn Rand and Hank Rearden, meanwhile are very excited about their business success, and they keep talking about his metal and her railroad and that ends with Ayn Rand getting railroaded by Hank Rearden (there it is), ending a very long dry spell. It turns out she's really into getting dominated despite her strong industrialist female outlook. But unfortunately neither chill the fuck out.

But the beta conspiracy strikes again, and their awesome rail is forced to run at a deficit by limiting speed etc. and Rearden gets metal quotas to limit his output and shit. While this is happening, famous alpha industrialists quit their jobs, leave no will and disappear overnight and they have been doing this for a while. We also get some insight into how science isn't as good as it used to be, how modern philosophy is trying to destroy sense, trying to control people by making everyone retarded and it's all Plato's fault.

Rand's ex, Frisco reappears every now and then saying clever things and throwing witty insults at betas because he's just that good, but then he keeps being incompetent, and keeps telling Rand "There is something I have to tell you, but I can't tell you ;_;". Then he goes on and tells Rearden, who becomes his BFF because Frisco is into guys who are good at business, he appears to be a playboy but he's never actually slept with any other woman than his first love. He then adds that he's totally straight. For a real men chases a heroine and not dumb sluts, not because he's actually looking for the dick. This man gains the favour of AIHFM, who is also somewhat of a feminist. But Rearden also is favoured by AIHFM, for having rough sex with Ayn Rand.

Then Rearden and Rand want to have their honeymoon, but because Rand can't stay away from work when she's not getting the dick, and Rearden is but a mortal man, they go to an abandoned factory to look for stuff and maybe fuck on the machinery. There they find a magic engine that works by getting static electricity from air (yeah I know). Rand gets excited again, in whatever manner, then we chase the origin of the engine. It went bankrupt a couple of times it turns out. and in the beginning the factory owners' kids went communist and said money would be distributed by the basis of need. Of course this didn't work as it's not individualistic, and one mysterious young engineer says "Fuck your shit, I'm going to crash your world".

Beta plot moves on, and they make business even harder by even more pointless rules for no reason, then they declare some sort of martial law anyway.

Rand has at this point figured out that someone was making the industrialists quit and disappear, and she says she's never quitting because she gets her hots from the railroad, but no one approaches her anyway and yet she's upset about that too. Frisco keeps making witty remarks and "oh lol, my stock collapsed, and all you beta people had invested in it X-DDD", "by the way the cool norwegian pirate guy sunk your order, no refunds".

Then, when martial law shit is established, people are forbidden from quitting their jobs, and only she then she quits because she's so cool and edgy. But no one came for her again. She goes to an abandoned shed. Frisco follows her and she's like "my love, I can finally tell you... I- I-" but then the radio goes "BREAKING NEWS - railroad accidents, trillion people dead". Ayn Rand then goes back to work, and it's not for saving lives, remember, but because she gets her hots from working on rail.

Then, when she is back in New York, Frisco visits her for a follow up, and then Rearden comes in and says "what the fuck are you doing", and proceeds to kick his ass. Frisco says "it's cool, I'm glad it's him because he's awesome and it's the same love", and adds "I'm totally straight". God I can't fucking believe how I identified with this guy at first. Frisco walks out, Ayn Rand appears mad at first and says Frisco used to fuck her and took her virginity. But then she sleeps with Rearden anyway because she clearly got wet from a display of violence.

Now Ayn Rand had found this magic engine, but it wasn't working because looters had torn it apart, and she'd hired someone -personally, not on the company- to rebuild it. That physicist, since he's capable of doing that stuff, was also not a beta and was upset with the martial law. Ayn Rand calls him and tells him to wait until he talks to her, and wants him to promise to her not to disappear in case a mysterious figure pops up and makes him an offer he can't refuse like it keeps happening with everyone.

Rand then takes on her own rail, partially destroyed in the last wreck - oh how could I forget, when we're told about the wreck, which is caused by betas avoiding responsibility, we are reminded that some of the passangers were not to be thought of innocent because they preached against individualism, supported state decisions etc. Anyway, Rand intends to fix the road, and then go visit the physicist. Then on the way the whole train crew deserts on the way, and this is not the first time something like this happens, Ayn Rand says "good for them, they refused slavery", but then sets out to get the train moving again. There she runs into a guy, who used to be an old employee of his, but quit despite being awesome. He won't accept a job back because he says his "mind is off the market", and says he's been doing menial jobs - but he accepts to help Rand since he needs to be somewhere very important, and since this is a selfish motive it's okay. They get out of the train, walk to a station and call for a new crew, then on the way Ayn Rand spots an airfield, the guy says "you know what, I know you want to go I'll take care of the train on the way", and Ayn Rand goes there and casually picks up an aeroplane to get to the physicist fast. She lands, and then learns the physics guy left with some mysterious guy, taking off right now there, oh goody! Ayn Rand gets back and they have a high-speed air chase for when the novel is made into a movie. Then, near a mountain range, the other plane just disappears - Ayn Rand just drops down to follow, and she crash lands to a valley even though she was over a mountain just then.

Meanwhile, government betas ask Hank Rearden for his patent on magic metal, in line with the martial law thing. However, they know Rearden is cool and edgy and won't bend the knee. Then, comes into play Rearden's wife (yeah he was married) who'd figured out his affair with Ayn Rand. She tells Jim, who tells to the betas for moar privileges. They go to Rearden and he bends the knee because he thinks a guy having an affair is okay but it makes a whore out of the woman in public, and he won't have anyone else pay his depts.
Then he decides to pay off some judges to ge t a divorce. On his way home, Rearden runs into a mysterious figure who tells him he's the cool Norwegian pirate guy everyone is looking for, and that he has a huge account to his name. Not realizing this sounds like the classic Nigerian Prince gig, Rearden inquires further. Turns out our pirate thinks the worst myth in history is Robin Hood, so he steals from the poor and gives it to the rich. Oh yes, he sells all his loot on the black market for gold, and puts them into a secret account, as much as the income tax the richfags he likes pay. But of course this isn't an altruistic act, as the pirate does this for his own sake - he gets his kicks out of his sense of "justice". Otherwise it would infuriate AIHFM. Rearden tells him to sod off, he'll report him to the police. Then, two police officers come up, looking for the norwegian pirate guy (who is described a million times as a very distinctly attractive man, tall and lean and blond). The Police ask Mr. Rearden if they've seen the pirate guy, and who is this mysterious stranger next to him looking just like the pirate guy. Rearden says he's his bodyguard and they go away.

Also around this time we find out Jim's wife, the poor shopkeeper, managed to live up to all the societal bourgeoise shit because she wasn't a beta after all, which of course was natural since she married Jim thinking he wasn't beta and built that railroad.

Ayn Rand regains consciousness after the crash, and she knows she's in the world she's meant to be in even though she has no idea where the fuck she is. She looks up at the man kneeling beside her and goes on a lengthy internal discourse about how sexy his eyes are and how he's tanned and is and how his tight shirt stresses his figure. He says "Are you injured, Ms. Rand?" and she goes "Wait, you know me?" -"Yes, I've been creepily watching you for the last decade in the train station. And I'm also the guy who made everyone disappear, Mohammed Galt" she accepts this explanation and then he starts carrying her around because she's so very injured but completely lucid and without any pain. Then comes one guy "oh hello, I used to be the best investor and richest man around before goverment interefered with my shit and I disappeared, I bought this valley, Rapeture" Galt then says "Shh she's a scab, she's not living here yet" the investor goes "oy vey, how did this happen? We never had a scab here before" Galt explains she accidentally their magic ray shield which made the valley look like a mountain range to the betas. It turns out, the people who disappeared were on a strike, but not a strike in the classical sense - like the one betas do - but a strike of the glorious industrialist, "strike of the mind". Investor says he'll fetch the doctor to Galt's house, and Galt goes around carrying Rand and they keep meeting all the glorious industrialists who had gone missing, and they all tell their cool stories and how they're doing menial jobs outside incognito now - but now the valley is almost self-sustaining they say, and they'll never have to leave Rapeture. Galt carries the injured Ayn Rand around in some manner that is supposed to invoke romantisicm I guess, and they keep running into the industrialists Rand knew and disappeared, Rand is like "omg did I die and go to capitalist heaven" and we listen to their stories like "The gub'mint nationalized mah oil rigs, and Mohammed Galt told me I didn't have to live for anyone, so I burnt the whole thing up and came here". After going through the town, meeting everyone and seeing what they did then and what minijobs they're doing in Rapeture, Galt carries Ayn Rand to his cabin.

While Ayn Rand is sitting around in the cabin, Galt goes out to get libertarian groceries or whatever, and then some sexy tall lean bearded blond guy comes in the cabin. Because Ayn Rand describes him as very sexy looking, we know that he must be high up in the alpha chain of command. He says "hello I am the cool norwegian pirate guy, did you come to reclaim the account I have in your name?" Rand goes "tell me moar" and pirateguy repeats his tale of stealing beta goverment aid shipments to starving countries, selling them on black market for gold, and putting them in accounts for rich people. However, he adds, your account only has the amount from your wage, and not your railroad stock, as Jim colluded with betas making your railroad a looter company. She says okay, whatevs, I don't want it anyway. Norwegian pirate guy is also notable for being the only non-beta character in the novel who doesn't fall in love with Ayn Rand, but maybe it's because he's already married by the time they meet, and his wife isn't a beta like Rearden's (she was some actress who went to Rapeture after realizing her acting was 2deep4u).

Galt then comes back and calls up bestinvestor and asks to loan his car for a bit, and then says, "sure, the usual price of thirty cents". Ayn Rand asks wtf, isn't that guy rich, does he need your thirty cents, and Galt jumps "GLAD YOU ASKED! In Rapeture, we conduct everything with money, there is no fake goodwill shit, by the way you'll have to pay for the doctor and for your stay in my cabin. If you don't decide to repent living in beta world and join us, I'll just get the money from your account." She says no, wtf, I'm not touching that money I'm rich anyway I'll pay you, but she gets "AHAHAHAHAHAHAH do you think the paper money goverment prints has any value? We have GOLD STANDARD here, an OBJECTIVE value which is why we are OBJECTIVISTS". Then she offers to work for pay as a live in maid in Mohammed Galt's cabin and they settle for the price of five dollars per day. Then she cooks and cleans for him, realizing her yet unspoken fantasy of being Galt's waifu in most ways, how very feminist.

Then the cool norwegian pirate guy tells of how their mysterious third associate hasn't shown up, and actually they have met up that very day every year for the last two decades, so we get that it is a big deal. Then they go out and hear of a plane flying overhead, looking with binoculars Rand sees it's Rearden, because the plane has the letters HR on it, and every capitalist naturally puts his initials under his planes wings so that people looking from below can understand who it is. However, Rand is still forbidden from contacting him during the month of the capitalist Thing. At night Galt asks Rand again if she wants to join them, but she says "ummm idk, I am in love with you, I mean everything you do here, but muh railroads..." then Galt refuses to fuck her even though they are both so into it, because "it would be a lie" and Galt doesn't stick his dick in women who didn't accept the conclusions of his philosophical expositions. The next day Frisco Antonov walks into Galt's cabin "I know I missed our meeting, and I'm going to miss the Thing too this month, I have to search for my one true love", then Galt tells him to look into his guest room and he sees Rand and creams himself from happiness. Just as he was going to begin talking about their future and her finally accepting their premise, Galt tells him that she's still a scab and happened to crash there. Antonov says okay, we'll convince you by the end of the month anyway, no biggie. He continues to hang out with Galt and Rand as the inadvertent third wheel.

As the objectivist holiday nears its end, Frisco Antonov asks Rand to stay with him for her last week. She squirms uncomfortably as she doesn't want to be parted from his beloved who won't do her, and says "b-but I have a contract, I have to be Galt's maid and put on the skimpy uniform". Antonov turns to Galt and says nigga please, let her go - Galt and Rand have an unspoken moment and Galt says no way. Then it is explained to us that if he had said yes, this would have been against everything Rapeture stood for. Galt would have done something against his own self-interest. As in the girl, not the maid services. But that too. If that had happened, it would have been worse for everyone as then Rand would somehow have ended up in an unhappy marriage with Antonov, his friend would be have lied to him, whatever, we are supposed to accept that this was for the best. Then Frisco invites them both for some wine and cheese in his capitalist mud hut. When he's back from the kitchen to get the right wine glasses, he sees them snuggling and giving each other the look, and drops the glasses to say "but of course!". After he finally gets it, he says "This is completely okay, my best friend going off with the love of my life. It is the same love again, as I said. I'll always keep loving you, even if I can never fuck you. Besides for me this frees up Rearde-uhh I mean I'm totally straight".

Then, when the holiday period is over, and since they are now self-sustainable, they urge people to stay, since the beta world has become too dangerous and fucked up. Rand says she has to keep her railroads going, and doesn't join the strike in the end. Galt says he's going back out to the world, even though he'd be a target and there is no need for him, because he wants to keep stalking Ayn Rand.

Ayn Rand comes back from holiday within a sealed train after pinky swearing she won't tell where the valley is, and Galt tells her they can't see each other IRL. Turns out gub'mint made up even more regulation in the meantime following the rail disaster, and Ayn Rand's brother Jim was raking in all the money through corruption. But, since Rand disappeared everyone assumed she vanished like all the other glorious capitalists, so Jim panics and along with other government people tells her to say she had an accident and was being cared for by village people to the public. Since she can't tell where she was, and it was sort of true, she says okay whatever to that. Then she says she'll only deal with the president from now on. President says whatever you wish, just don't leave us. Then, however, they ask her to put out a statement supporting all the recent government actions, and Ayn Rand draws the line there not to anger AIHFM. Jim calls Rearden's wife and she comes over to threaten Ayn Rand with disclosing their affair, saying that's why Rearden bent the knee. She says okay, she'll go on a live radio show.

The next day, she shows up at the radio station, tells that she's been gone and then goes on in length and some detail about how she got the dick from Rearden and she loved it, and how Rearden was threatened with this. Through this we also see that this repressive socialist government lets their blackmailed class enemies do their public addresses live for some reason, and Ayn Rand simply leaves the radio station after they cut into commercials public information bulletins and leaves by a taxi whose driver smiles at her, showing how he understands her complete stance and fully agrees with her in her struggle against the beta plot.

She goes to see Rearden, and begins with "I have to tell you something". He stops her "No, I have to tell you something first, no, shut up - I was going to say that I love you more than anything and I would die for you and… what were you going to say? Anyway I also know about the other guy and I'm completely okay with that." Ayn Rand is shocked about how he knew, and relieved that despite all men falling in love with her and remaining so, are completely okay with her doing some other guy. Turns out Rearden figured the whole thing out because she spoke in past tense when describing their affair.

Jim meanwhile, colluding globally with unoriginally named People's Republics through the world, has received word in advance that the Antonov oil fields in Siberia and Sandmongolia were going to be nationalised, and put his money on that. He comes home and boasts about how he's going to be the richest man in the world to his wife, who as we know, married him thinking he wasn't one of those betas. She asks "Wasn't Frisco Antonov your friend, you piece of shit?" and storms out. Jim ties this to PMS and doesn't care. Jim's wife then goes out to the railroad and talks to Ayn Rand's manservant who confirms her suspicions that it was her who was running the show all along. She goes to see Ayn Rand and apologises to her for being mean to her, and Rand basks in veneration as everyone who knows the truth supports her - even the girls in high school who bullied her. Back at Jim's home, Rearden's wife comes to see him, over her impending divorce and radio humiliation. Jim says nothing can be done, and Rearden's wife decides the worst thing she can do is sleep with Jim and does that. The combination of words revulsion and repulsion are featured often in this novel, but nowhere as much as this part. Then Jim's wife comes in post-action, sees what has transpired. Jim says deal with it, men have mistresses. Jim's wife storms out again but this time kills herself so that her plotline doesn't tangle anywhere.

Soon thereafter, Antonov oil is nationalised. But, immediately, all the company holdings blow up at once with the official announcement - and the giant calendar in the city square displays "haha x-DDD - Regards, Frisco Friscovich Antonov". We know that A is A, which means everything must have a reason, which means socialists are violating causality, because they look at the creation without thinking there must be a creator (Atheists:0 Capitalists:1) - and because of this the Mohammed Galt strike is succeeding. But Frisco says to Ayn Rand "Your railroad would collapse immediately without you, but they could leech off muh oil for centuries, so I had to blow it up". So A is sometimes A-ish. We also learn that he somehow plotted this global escapade without hurting anyone or anyone ratting him out.

Government then tries to grow soybeans in the wrong climate to satiate some hippy wife of a crony oligarch or something, which fails and to prevent starvation make the trains run on time Ayn Rand leaves a dinner party wearing a formal black dress to get things going, and she organises the labourers to do things manually 19th century style. There she spots Galt. Yes, he has been working there for years and that's how he fell in love with her and got info. They go in some tunnel and break their vows in a dark place, but it isn't trashy because Ayn Rand was wearing a dress. Then Galt predicts she will one day lead his enemies to him because they met. He can do that stuff because he is the prophet of AIHFM.

Rearden meanwhile, is called to DC over some mild nationalisation suggestions. He says "if you bankrupt me who is going to produce for you idiots?" But they insist - for they have eyes but they do not see, they have ears but do not hear… Going back to his factory, he sees it under attack. Turns out government organised a mob to trash the place to have an excuse to nationalise it, and a fight broke out. A former government lackey sent to spy on Rearden repents his sins and dies in his arms defending the factory. He will be rewarded with 72 virgin middle aged female authors in afterlife. Rearden sees a guy wearing a cape shooting people with two guns from the rooftop. Then the attack is repelled, and it turns out Frisco Antonov was the cool guy shooting, and he had armed the workers prior to the attack, aand had been working as a low-level steel pourer ever since he blew up his own stuff. Following this, Rearden too quits and he leaves for Rapeture with Frisco holding hands.

Due to mounting crisis, the president announces he will address the nation in a widely publicised event. But just as he begins, his transmission is cut off, and the hear "This is Mohammed Galt speaking". He speaks, for some 72 pages, telling how everything is the fault of the lazy and incompetent, and reveals that all he did was stop doing what he did before - be awesome - and the world collapsed by itself without the industrious ingenuity of the capitalist.

Even though most people were insulted directly in this speech which must have lasted and ungodly amount of hours, they are all pro-Galt. So the government announces that they want to cooperate with Galt and speak to him, but he is nowhere to be found. Then the president calls Ayn Rand and tells he's worried, and some of the more zealous factions may have already killed Galt. Ayn Rand looks up the address of one Mohammed Galt from employee payroll and goes to visit him. Galt sees her and says she's been tailed and he foresaw that someone on the dinner table would betray him, but that's okay and he'd be disappointed if she didn't come. Then he tells her to turn her in and claim the reward and pretend to be on the beta side. They do that.

Government then ties up Galt and they tell him they want him to become an economic dictator to fix things. He says by forcing him they're taking away his ability to think, so he'll just obey them and do whatever they say. President says no, c'mon, do it. Galt says alright, cut all taxes for rich people - but then they say "no, no then we can't pay the salaries", and Galt proves his point. Government then announces "The Galt Plan" to fix the economy, dress him up and put him in front of cameras, but he doesn't play along and everyone knows he's not cooperating. One of the government lackeys decides it's time to get the fuck out of there, and goes to seize a super weapon to become a feudal lord of some sorts, but someone beat it to him, and as they fight they accidentally fire the weapon, destroying some massive bridge connecting the country by rail.

Ayn Rand, still pretending to be a collaborator, sees that they're preparing to torture Galt so she calls Frisco to stage a rescue op. Then someone from the rail company calls her about the bridge collapse and she says she doesn't give a shit, making it official that she quit. Instead of people trained in this sort of thing, we have Rand, Frisco, Rearden and cool norwegian pirate guy attack the building to avoid introducing a new character. Rand pulls a gun at a guard who doesn't want to make a decision without asking his superiors, and she shoots her and says since he was refusing to decide, he was already dead as a person and her action was moral. Torture of Galt goes on for a while, but then the torture machine breaks down because it's made by shitty socialists, and turns out there isn't anyone who can fix it. Then Galt tells them how to fix it and on this display of edginess Jim, in that torture crew again to avoid new characters, collapses. The crew leaves unscathed with Galt to Rapeture, as the last remnants of the beta society disintegrates, and the last light in New York goes out, and the screen fades to black.

Cue credits, and then in end, after all the worthless people killed themselves or something the industrialists all re-emerge from their bunkers valley "we're going back bitches" says Galt, hand in hand with Ayn Rand discussing how they magically will rebuild their companies in the new world, because they have the will, going back to take over the corpse of the real world.

fin